What I’ve learned fighting for my marriage. Should I fight alone or let go…
Well, before fighting, you’d better learn how to fight for your marriage, alone or with some outside help.
My blog post is a tiny piece of outside help. Although I am not pretending to redact a competent happiness receipt, there might be some value and truth in my words.
What does it really mean “fighting for my marriage?” Don’t Give Up.
Basically, if you know how to fight for your marriage and, as you’ve learned this already, you should expect to keep on and not give up at the slightest difficulty (as there will be many as per this very interesting article).
“It is possible to change your relationship if you are the only one that wants to. Even if your spouse is thoroughly checked out, unplugged, and doesn’t seem to give a damn about trying to save your marriage. Its been shown over and over that one person can change a conjugality alone. The mess you’re in is not all your fault. And no one is suggesting that it’s all your responsibility to fix. Ultimately you’ll both have to show up differently to be a happy and secure couple. The point is, someone has to be the first one to start the change that you want. You can create a positive chain reaction by being the first one to do a few things differently.”
In the beginning, it is effortless to make a huge mess.
What happens is that most of the problems are just blamed on the other person, and you begin to think that if you can just get your spouse to do the things that are needed to save your marriage, then you’ll be free from this.
Things get a little messier and more challenging to see your way.
You get more emotional, and it can be a bit extra challenging to make your way out of this mess.
The thing is, saving a marriage is really, really hard work.
It really is.
Not impossible, but very difficult.
But it is possible to do it alone and turn it around.
It is even possible to fix it.
Some don’t even realize that it’s a problem and don’t seek help.
Many marriages end because the spouses thought it was just not possible.
They think, “I can get my spouse to change.”
So they keep on failing and making their marriage worse and worse.
But guess what?
It isn’t impossible.
Should I fight for my marriage or let go?
This is one of those things that can’t be taken away by your emotions.
The only thing you can do is think and move your relationship forward.
When I started to tell my wife I wanted a divorce, she was shocked.
She thought it was impossible.
When I kept telling her it was possible, she was more supportive.
When I kept trying to talk to her that I was in this marriage for the wrong reasons, she was more critical.
What a strange idea – fighting for my marriage alone…
She wasn’t always right.
She just thought things were a little more complicated than they actually were.
This was one of those issues where the only way I could see to fix this marriage was to get my wife to see things my way.
I needed to convince her of something.
That was it.
I knew what I was trying to accomplish.
I knew she didn’t see it the same way.
Before I knew it, the divorce was on her mind every day.
She had made up her mind about a separation.
I was frustrated and feeling angry.
And trying to change her mind (read this interesting article here).
She was trying to convince me that the break was a good idea.
I was being told by many that divorce was a good idea.
There were a lot of minor problems and issues.
No matter what I tried to tell her, she wasn’t convinced.
Eventually, I was trying to point out how silly it was to ask her to change her mind.
We were talking about a huge deal.
Her life, and mine.
She wasn’t convinced.
So I made up my mind.
I told her the truth.
At that second, I made up my mind that I was going to work on this marriage.
I wasn’t going to give up.
It wasn’t worth giving up on my marriage.
And I knew that there was a better way to go about this.
I knew that I was going to change things, that it was going to be different.
The truth lets you free…
Since that moment, situations have been better between us.
Now I’m not going to lie.
It doesn’t always happen.
Sometimes I feel like I’m fighting an uphill battle.
Sometimes I just feel like I’m at a disadvantage.
But I am constantly working on this marriage, making it better.
I have learned that if I make up my mind to do something, I will make it happen.
And I have learned that it doesn’t matter what I have to do or how much work I have to put in.
If I make up my mind that I’m going to do something, I will do it.
And I will continue to do this even when things aren’t exactly going my way.
How to fight for your marriage seems a complicated matter…
To keep my marriage, I’ve learned that I have to have my own steps to follow.
And I will make it a point to keep at it.
And if things start getting tough, I’ll make a move back.
I’ll find a way that we can work it out, even when we don’t precisely love one another at the moment.
I will accept our differences and not use this as an excuse not to try to fix it, even if it isn’t exactly what we want.
And I will be ready to move on, as soon as we can, when we have both made up our minds to.
Locked in a marriage where there is a significant amount of trouble.
There is nothing worse than being locked in a marriage where there is a significant amount of trouble.
And then, when things stay horrible, we are distant.
We just don’t go out.
We don’t do the things that we used to do when we were happy and connected.
We have stopped asking each other how they’re doing.
We’re not asking each other about their thinking (more interesting things to read and think about in this article).
We don’t communicate anymore.
We don’t talk about how we want our future to be.
We don’t talk about how our marriage is affecting us.
We’ve stopped loving one another.
And this is all starting to sting (if you would like to read more about ruining a marriage, click the link).
And in my mind, I’m starting to feel like I need to see more than just the good to have hope that I can have my marriage back.
I have to see the progress that I can make to have hope that I can get my marriage back.
When it’s awful, I’m thinking, “I’m just not sure how I’m going to fix this. How am I going to do this right, and how am I going to make it work.”
When it’s terrible, it’s easier just to give up because there’s really no point in fighting.
So what am I going to do?
Just give up?
I’m going to find a way to fight for my marriage and keep it in fighting shape.
I’m going to find a method to make it happen.
I’m going to make it happen one day at a time, even when I’m not sure how.
I’m going to be ready to move on when I have to.
More Advice For A Troubled Marriage
When your spouse is not ready to make changes, start by doing a few things differently to give them a little more push.
Look at yourself.
Do you make yourself the same mistakes over and over?
If you do, you might be causing your spouse to become angrier.
When your spouse looks at you and sees the same older person, they might be motivated to start to work on things.
Spend more time alone.
I know that seems a bit ridiculous.
But honestly, it is not.
If your spouse does not spend a lot of time with you, you need to start making an effort to spend some time by yourself.
Whether it is going to a movie, or spending an evening with your girlfriends, or finding ways to go to bed early, this can make your spouse feel better about being there.
They might feel more secure knowing that there is a reason they can go to bed early.
So it would help if you got your spouse to go to bed early too.
I know that a lot of this seems very silly.
But, there is a lot of data out there that will make your marriage a lot happier.
When your spouse has taken tiny baby steps to start working on changes, just continue doing things differently, as much as you can, while thinking of how to fight for your relationship…
Sometimes, if you are patient and keep pushing your spouse to do things differently, they will catch up and start to change.
They might begin to make minor improvements, and they might get to a point where they can start making more significant changes.
The first thing that you need to do is make sure that you don’t make things worse.
Just make sure that you don’t keep complaining (about checklists and more like these; click this link).
Instead, try to encourage them to do things differently, and when they do, let them know that you like it.
It’s not fair if you keep making them feel guilty.
So just try to be as positive as you can, and praise them when they start making the changes you want.
Sometimes, for some reason, your spouse has been reluctant to make any changes.
It’s not a big deal to take the initiative for them, but the thing is that your spouse might be too tired to do it.
So, it would be best if you took control of a little something. In this case, the thing is not that they are not making the changes, but rather that you are.
Is there any schedule showing when to stop fighting for your marriage?
Once you start taking control of a little something, they will be much more willing to start making changes.
For instance, some people will tell me things like, “Well, you just need to be more positive.”
But guess what?
When they do this, their marriage ends up worse than it was before.
The reason for this is because when they are under constant criticism and doubt, they become defensive.
They start putting you down, and this makes you feel worse.
Sometimes, you have to show your spouse that they made the change to show them that you have no interest in their criticisms.
Pick your battles when fighting for your marriage…
In this particular situation, you might have to pick your battles.
Instead of going off on them and making them feel bad, try to make them realize that their change made you happy.
This way, they will be more willing to join you.
If you control how you are acting, then your spouse will also try to make some changes.
The idea is that they will be less likely to have second thoughts and doubts.
Try something simple.
Sometimes taking charge comes down to something simple.
Fighting for my marriage alone, or almost alone, was not an easy thing…
When I was facing problems in my marriage, I did not respond to my wife’s things.
I did not respond to her emails either.
All I would do is wait for them to decide what to do.
And I was taking them for granted.
Now, if you do this, they might try to drag you in to talk about their side of the issue.
You need some space.
Well, how to fight for your marriage and stay healthy at the same time?
Say that you are okay with this but need some space.
Do not give the impression that you are not listening.
So, it would be best if you did not take it personally.
After a while, this can start to work.
You should be able to talk for a time without your spouse accuse you of not listening or for being so lazy.
Also, note that in this first phase, you are not taking charge.
If anything, you are letting them do most of the work.
Eventually, you should be able to take back the initiative, though.
It would help if you took charge of things.
As you face some hard times, this is when you should take charge of things (if you are intending to apply the “how to fight for your marriage” technique).
Your wife wants to know that you are on her side.
The final step is to ask your wife to join you.
Your wife needs you to be on her side.
She needs to be the one with some troubles and problems for you to share.
This is so that you can know that what you are talking about has some foundation.
By putting her on your side, she is in a much better space to take responsibility.
Also, it shows her that you respect her feelings.
The bottom line is that your wife wants you to listen to what she has to say.
You want to give her the space she needs.
P.S. The photos here are from the DigiProduct Collection entitled Groups and Couples. The Instagram image is from the volume Quotes by the same author. I have bought the copyright of the collections. The featured image is made in Canva, and there are illustrations from Pixabay as well; great thanks to the authors.
Thank you for reading my long article, How To Fight For Your Marriage. Fighting Alone Or Let Go?
I hope it will help you well!
However, remember that everything I am writing here is merely a piece of advice, not a happiness receipt. If I knew those receipts, I would have been a billionaire and happy already (wink!).